Disclaimer: My mother would not approve of the language (or the abundance of snark) to follow. Sometimes you have to use very small words to get your point across.
Still here? Cool.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a manifesto on breaking out of that Smart-OR-Pretty-OR-Strong box women find themselves shoved into in high school.
Apparently, breaking out of the boxes myself isn’t gonna cut it. To prove it, some genius writer over at GQ declared that actress Olivia Wilde’s performance in Third Person wasn’t convincing because her “ass was too nice to play a writer.”
Seriously, dude?
First off, I wasn’t aware that writing involved using one’s ass, but apparently that’s how it’s done at major men’s fashion magazines. Who knew? Apparently, the process is quite damaging.
Secondly, to be fair, GQ did apologize. One might hope that the original writer got his ass chewed for being a dumbass in public. Maybe they hired him for his looks?
Yesterday, Huffington Post ran a story titled “Powerful Ad Shows What A Little Girl Hears When You Tell Her She’s Pretty.” Essentially, the theory was that every time the girl’s parents told her she was pretty, she heard “you’re dumb as a rock and incapable of holding power tools because you’re pretty.”
Uh….really?
So, now we’re not supposed to tell our daughters that they’re pretty, because being pretty means you can’t possibly be smart or capable.
Let me tell you what really happens when a girl never hears that she’s pretty: she grows up assuming that she’s not.
And that looking nice, or taking care of her body isn’t something she should do. She grows up assuming that romantic relationships are only for other people – pretty people – not for her. That she is respectable, but not lovable, because she’s not pretty.
I was one of those girls. I can’t remember a single time that anyone told me I was pretty until my freshman year of college, when I met the guy I would eventually marry. He’s been telling me I’m beautiful every day for almost 20 years. And still…when I look in the mirror, I don’t completely believe him. Still. Because if it were true, he wouldn’t be the only person who had ever said such a thing, right?
Am I insecure about my intelligence? No. Not in the slightest. Because when I was growing up, I heard how smart I was all the time. And I had the grades and accomplishments to back it up.
Am I insecure about my creative work? Nope. Because when I was young, I was told how good my writing was. And now I hear from readers how much they’ve enjoyed my stories. So yeah, I believe that I’m pretty good at this whole storytelling thing.
But pretty? I dunno. According to GQ (and just about every other societal message I’ve ever gotten), I’m too smart to be pretty.
I call bullshit. (Told you my mother wouldn’t approve of my language. Guess what? Smart girls curse sometimes.)
I have a daughter. She’s brilliant. She’s also adorable. And she has absolutely no doubts whatsoever about either of those statements.
And fair warning – don’t get into a buffer sword battle with her. She’ll kick your ass. Just ask her brothers.
I envy her confidence. On some level, I’ve instilled in her the confidence I wish I had – then I’ve turned around and tried to emulate it.
So here’s to a generation of girls who are smart and pretty and confident, all at the same time. GQ, you might need to hire a writer with a great brain and a great ass.
I heard I was ugly for all of my growing up years. Except from my parents, but I assumed they were being nice. Especially when I spent 5 days a week hearing about my cow eyes, E.T. fingers, how if I thought I was ugly maybe I should consider plastic surgery, or “have you ever considered yourself so ugly that maybe you should kill yourself?”
My husband doesn’t say it very often. He might think it, but he doesn’t tell me out loud that I’m beautiful. Least, not in many years. I think he might be one of those guys who thinks he says something, but the thought never travels out of his mouth to the audible world. I figure this, because about 6 or 7 years ago, when I mentioned this, he swore he had told me these things.
Guys who chase EVERYTHING won’t look twice at me. Yeah! That all helps my self esteem a whole lot.
It shouldn’t matter. I’m 40, after all. But, if I want to be honest, it kind of hurts. For every negative, we need three times the positive. When we hear about how others are beautiful and silence for ourselves, we fill that void with our own negative.
At this point, when someone does say I’m pretty, I thank them for being kind and see it as that.
If we want people to accomplish a lot and be all they can, encouragement in all aspects of our being make the biggest difference.
It *DOES* matter! Being 40 doesn’t mean you have to give up. I, for one think you are an amazing, beautiful, confident woman. And I’m not a particularly kind person…ask anybody. People who are kind call me honest. Most people call me a word that rhymes with witch 🙂
Lisa your husband’s a dope, and at the risk of getting in trouble with my wife, you are very beautiful.
Tricia, I watched you and loved you as you grew into a beautiful and creative woman. I still believe in you and love to read what you write, mostly when you write from your heart in this blog. It comes from your heart and your life experiences. You and I grew up 17 years apart, I helped raise you for your first three years then it was time for me to go. You will always be that wonderful person who entered my life at a time when I needed a butterfly moment. Never think you are anything less than magic. I love you, and I will tell you this in front of everyone on the internet. You are my little sis and one of the best life experiences a 17 year old could have. Love you, your big sis, Susan
AWW!! I love you too 🙂
And even though I didn’t seem to be listening sometimes, your wisdom and advice has stuck with me until the time that I was ready for it. Clearly 🙂
Confidence can also make beauty. Here in Asia the big thing is pictures, and I’ve noticed the most photogenic are not necessarily the most “pretty” but simply carry themselves well.
Very true!
Oh, how I love this. I heard “It’s a good thing you’re smart,” with the message that I certainly wasn’t pretty coming through loud and clear. I was “the smart one” while my friends were the pretty ones. I did never doubt that I was smart and I could do a lot of things… just not anything that required being good-looking.
I think girls need to hear it all- they’re smart and pretty. (As a mom of boys, I think our boys need to hear similar. That video grated on my nerves because I say pretty much the same things to my boys and no one questions it or thinks it’s belittling them, including telling the youngest to hand a tool to his older brother just b/c he’s older and better able to handle it).
I agree – I wrote this from a female perspective, because that’s what I know. But my husband brought up a good point after reading it: Guys deal with the same nonsense. I’m hoping to get him to do an interview with me on the guy’s perspective on damaging stereotypes – stay tuned!
Oh, yeah, my parents always told me there was nothing wrong with me. I was “average.” That felt AWESOME. Everyone aspires to averageness. But I’m smart. So, yay! Smart! Smart always felt like a backhanded compliment. People ask me what I admire about myself and I think really long and hard about it and mutter that I’m smart. It’s all I’ve got. I’m not pretty. I’m average. But, I’m smart and I can write and I’m good at math. Who cares. I never got attention for any of that anyway.
Something tells me you were the smartest person in the room when you were growing up…I hope you’ve found a community where being smart earns you the respect you deserve – along with the freedom to explore all the other ways you are so much more than average!
I was pretty until I became a nerd…and then I was just smart or geeky. It’s stuck with me. I make every effort to tell my girls all the time that they are pretty AND smart (because they are). I hate the stereotypes and do my best to break through them all the time.
Good for you! We may have had to deal with the “only ugly girls are smart or geeky” insanity, but that doesn’t mean our daughters will. Mostly because they’ll laugh at any guy who tries to tell them they’re too pretty to be geeky, or too smart to be beautiful.